Upon first hearing this expression I misunderstood and, the first chance I got, I grabbed my mum's jar of Nescafé, took a good whiff and almost fell off the counter; the smell itself was incredible, but overpowering to the point I actually felt a little faint.
My enjoyment and seeking out of odd/overpowering scents didn't end there - since as far back as I can remember I've found intense enjoyment sniffing my way around petrol stations, the contents of my Mum's cleaning cupboard, laundry rooms, my worn shoes/underwear and (if they're nice enough to comply) other people, the latter becoming even more tempting to my nose as I (and the Sniffees) matured in age - believe it or not I seem to enjoy the smell of certain people's sweat more than I do vanilla! These habits, as you'd expect, lead to a fair amount of teasing - mainly from other children, but a few adults too. Added to my other strange behaviours, dreadful social skills and emotional outbursts (meltdowns) I may as well have been walking into school with a great big target on my jumper every day. School was (as it often is for children with any kind of difference) a very difficult time in my life, and at some point I'm sure to write more on that subject, but bringing it back to the original point; I was very much lead by my sense of smell.
Not only do I derive intense pleasure from smell, I also experience a temporary calmness in my body when allowed to sniff indiscriminately - in a world where things make very little sense to me, this can feel like a necessity. It's the same feeling I get when I can pace, flap or rock with abandon and without concern for other's perceptions.
As a child I was uninhibited, for the most part, by a lack of awareness - both of how other's perceived me and of social responsibility. As an adult (an anxious, overly self conscious one at that) I'm far more discreet with my stims when around unfamiliar people. It took years to get to this point, but over time I've become a little more self aware, learning from my earlier mistakes through other's negative reactions and attempting to mask or correct my behaviour. I've developed techniques in order to be able to continue my favourite things; my secret hobbies. My efforts to hide these "undesirable" behaviours aren't always successful - self awareness will probably never be my forte.
As it is, the Space Cowboy apparently adores me despite my eccentricities - he even lets me bury my head in his armpit/crotch area whenever I'm stressed and need a calm place. Now that's love ;)
No matter what the social backlash, I sincerely doubt I'll ever stop - I don't even know if I'm able to. I don't know if life would hold any more pleasure for me if I were to withhold my "stims" completely. It's difficult enough to remember to not speak of certain things around certain people, to stop myself fidgeting during conversation or make sure I'm not swaying/pacing too wildly - usually while I'm trying to cope with whatever's got me so worked up in the first place. I'd truly love to live in a world where I didn't have to use up so much mental energy just trying to fit in - all of it to keep other people happy. Not even people I like. Most if not all of the people I like have no problem with me being, well, me. It's for nameless, faceless people - so they're not uncomfortable, or scared, or concerned, or disgusted. In the past I've dealt with all manner of negative responses - from strangers, friends and family, even lovers. This alone has contributed a great deal to the self-esteem issues I now face.
I'm writing this post in the hopes that at some point, it'll reach someone who will read it and suddenly feel a little less weird, a little less alone, if not make other's a little more aware :) It's not every day I admit to the public (and any friends/family members that read this blog) that one of my stranger habits is sniffing my underwear, but if that's what needs to happen so there's something, some kind of information, out there for people like me (even if you've not resorted to pantie sniffing) then so be it. While I'm at it, I'll also admit I compulsively scratch my scalp (and often chew said scalp out from under my nails), rub my hands over my face repeatedly to enjoy the smell of warmed up skin, walk on my toes when I'm really anxious/happy, compulsively pick my nose (I'll let you wonder about what happens with the findings) and manipulate/hyper-extend my fingers when I'm nervous or upset. Be kind, internet.
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