I've always been a pensive person. Most of my free time is taken up on thinking. It's my favourite pastime. During these "thinking sprees" I often recall *other* thinking sprees from times past. Today was much the same - post meltdown and at my rawest, my need to think overrides all other usual necessities; communicating, moving, seeing/hearing, or rather, paying any mind to those inputs. Everything else shuts down, as there is no room amongst all these thoughts.
Today, I recalled a thought process I had in my late teens - a time long before I really understood Autism Spectrum Disorders. I'd been reflecting on how, as a younger teen, I had lived with each of my parents for varying lengths of time, and found that despite my father being far more strict (enforced bedtimes were, for example, still a "thing" even at the age of 15) I wound up being far less prone to meltdowns and, dare I say it, happier with him. This was not because I hated my mother, or loved my father more - though no doubt I've said or thought as much at some point. This, I believe, was a result of living with a man who also depended on routine; a man who enforced said routine without even realising it, because to him, it was just life. As a younger teen, I was unable to process this idea, to even consider it really. I just *felt* better.
I am in many ways my father's daughter; this is apparent on paper as well as by spending time with us together - we're both introverted book lovers with emotional and social difficulties. He, like me, feels both half and double his age at the same time. We're peas in the proverbial pod. Our need for routine is just one of many traits we share.
Most if not all of us need some routine in our lives to feel "normal" or safe. The need for predictability is, by and large, a human trait; it allows us to function within our own little set perimeters, to feel secure, to know what's coming (at least, partially). But what separates my father and I from the majority is that without routine we simply can't function. The intensity in which a change in routine effects us is likely beyond belief - who would think a 23 year old woman could behave in such ways as a result of such minor changes? I'm an otherwise "highly functioning" adult and yet have reactions not unlike that of a 2 year old's in response to change (and of course emotional and sensory overload) - often over things that most others would simply shrug off. Back then, I had absolutely no explanation as to why I thought, acted and felt the way I did - as did other people (bipolar, depression, and post traumatic stress disorder to name a few ideas) but nothing ever "fit" or explained all of my behaviours.
These days I'm more than aware of the Autism Spectrum and understand far more about myself and how my brain works. The need for routine is, of course, one of the most well known associations with autistic people. Unfortunately, my very limited understanding of "high functioning" autism was "Rainman" style, and indeed I'd never met/heard of a female with autism back then - I just hadn't ever felt the need to research autism until I met my partner, and even then I just read about male children/adults on the spectrum. I definitely noticed the similarities even then, and very luckily mentioned this in passing to my mental health nurse - who agreed, discussed the similarities with me and did some initial assessing, later referring me for diagnosis. This prompted me to delve even deeper into the world of autism - including the still largely unknown female population. What I discovered, and what I'm still discovering to this day, has changed my entire perception of self. My relationships. My life on a whole has changed dramatically, and yet I'm still almost exactly the same. I've always been autistic - it just took longer than it should have to find out.
My life isn't as rigid as some are, and for the most part, my routines don't interfere too much with living - luckily I'm in the very fortunate position of living independently (to an extent). But they have interfered with relationships (both personal and with friends and family) and often cause extreme distress if the things I've come to expect don't come to be.
I began writing this post because I needed to get my thoughts out of my head and into the world - at the time I of writing I'd become mute and had no way to let them escape. I'm going to end it here, as I have no conclusion.
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