You make me sick...

Often when I'm watching the boys, I'm reminded of myself and my own childhood; particularly when they're having difficulties with certain aspects of life, such as food textures, making friends or crowded situations. I relate far better with them than I do most of my peers - whether that's because they're children on the spectrum or just them being children in general, I don't know. Perhaps my own immaturity lends a hand in this; though I do still struggle with talking to them (especially trying to explain, well, anything to them - I'm often a bit too "adult-like" or formal for them to understand much of what I mean, I forget I'm talking to a 6 year old and end up discussing politics or psychology experiments with him - much to his curious amusement) I find their company so much more enjoyable than I do people my own age. I have far more patience for children, and find their bluntness very refreshing indeed. 

Autistic children, I've found, bring about even more joy and comfortability; their autonomy meshes so very well with mine. My partner's middle child, a non-verbal almost 5 year old with quite severe sensory issues - I'll call him The Wanderer - him in particular I could spend hours with and not once feel the need to escape and be alone. The comfortable silence, broken only by the occasional verbal stim, makes for a beautiful companionship indeed. Not only is he a joy to be around, but I feel a deep understanding for some of the issues he faces - despite him currently being on the "severe" end of the spectrum, we have a lot in common; probably more so than I do with "neurotypical" people.

As a child, I ate very simple meals and drank only water. My mother tried in vain to get me to be more adventurous in my food, but even if she tried to pair two foods I would actually eat together to make a "new" meal, I'd just separate them. Plain, "orange cheese" (Red Leicester) sandwiches with margarine only (I hated the taste of butter) on the same bread every time, toast, salted crisps/chips, billy bear and occasionally some sweetcorn, and bizarrely enough, marmite and olives. I refused juice and only ever asked for water - despite many desperate friend's parent's attempts to get me to accept juice ("surely you don't want water, we have juice you know, are you sure you wont have some juice? There's plenty of it! Well, I'll make some for you anyway, it's very nice..." who would think such a thing would be so important to people?) although I'd have warm sweet milk if I was feeling reckless ;) 

Still to this day, I'll only usually drink water, and, when I'm sad or unwell, the only thing I'll feel up to eating is a plain orange cheese sandwich. As a child (and often as an adult) if pushed to eat something I wasn't up for, threatened with nothing else for example, I'd simply not eat. I'd starve myself for days, weeks even, rather than eat whatever's being forced. Luckily these days I'm far more adventurous, but there are still some textures/tastes I just can't eat without gagging. I won't even try any more; I'll have the occasional impulse to attempt to eat one of my "no list" foods once every few years, and each time I've regretted it. Usually it's down to texture - beans, nuts, rind, and anything cold and a little slimy, such as ham or fish (especially salmon) being the worse culprits. I can't chew any of these things without having a physical response to them, so to bypass this in otherwise edible meals, I often swallow whatever it is whole. Perhaps not the perfect solution, definitely not good for my digestive system, but it's made eating adventurously a real option. 

I mostly stick with what I know and love (which now includes more options, thankfully) but thanks to my parents backing the f**k off (to put it bluntly) when I reached school age and just letting me try foods in my own time and on my own grounds, I've managed to expand my taste buds independently and without anxiety making it that much harder. I can't stress enough how pressuring certain children into eating foods they're simply not able to eat without discomfort can do this - anxiety already rules our lives for the most part, adding more is just asking for explosives to go off.  

Obviously I'm not talking all children, and of course there'll be plenty of situations a little bit of pressure/bribery works. I'm talking when the child is becoming so distressed they're hurting themselves, or when they're showing that they'd rather go without eating altogether than try the thing you're offering - even if it's the only thing offered all day, or the day after that. I'm talking when they gag or clamp down so violently you'd think you were trying to force dettol down their throat, not a jam sandwich. I feel your pain, I know your worry - and of course there are many children that won't even eat ONE thing - that must be terrifying to experience and I don't wish to say you're doing them harm - in this situation, I believe an exception should be made. Better a living, anxious child than a calm, dead one. But if your kid can't handle more than a handful of different meals, just stick with what works and offer a new meal once a week - even if it's one you've offered before that's been turned down. I only tried mayonnaise (despite it being offered previously) for the first time at 15, then again a year later - I hated it. I tried it again aged 22 and love it now. These things just take commitment, trial and error and a lot of patience. A decent cook helps too ;)