Appearances can be deceiving...

I'd like to explain my intentions behind this post before writing it. Although the pictures and information may shock some, I feel it's important to show the difficulties "highly functioning" autistic people often face; with self awareness comes shame, guilt and often self hated. Although we share many of the traits from the more severe/"lower functioning" end of the spectrum, we are completely and fully aware of the implications of our actions, things we can't control or need help with, but none the less feel such shame when we see the repercussions of certain behaviours - meltdowns are a good example. During my worst meltdowns, if approached I will lash out. I have almost no control over this - if I'm hysterical then it's a given that if you come close, you're going to take a hit. I despise this part of me, as I'm not an aggressive person. 

My intention is never to hurt another person, my only aim is to keep them far, far away from me. It becomes primal, like a mother's need to protect her child. People often mistake this for aggression, in fact people often seem to assume I'm just a bad person, a bitch, a "pyscho". If people were just aware of how to handle such situations, such as backing off when asked and remaining calm and reasonable, the situation would likely never escalate to include physical contact or aggression. Most of the people I see are fully aware of these issues, they're not exactly rare occurrences, and for the most part things are handled okay.

Still, people sometimes lose it. No one's perfect. Sometimes people forget, sometimes they're temporarily unsure of what to do, so go on instinct, to comfort; the exact opposite of what is needed. Sometimes, they're too emotionally involved to stay calm, and antagonise the situation unintentionally. This Monday gone, after a few days of almost constant upsets, the latter happened. The why is unnecessary information, as at this point I was triggered by pretty much anything. 

For the past week, stress levels in this house have been at an all time high. I've had meltdowns daily since Tuesday - and often not just the one. I'm struggling to adjust to the change in routine at home, trying to help/deal with the children's upsets, trapped almost 24/7 in a sensory nightmare and just generally feeling like shit. I'm dealing with two extremely upsetting situations right now, again no further information needed but all of these things combined have lead to one of the worst weeks of my adult life. All this on the busiest weekend I've had in over a year - my partner's brother's 21st birthday on the Saturday, my sister's wedding the day after. I was a mess. I even broke down at the 21st party. I've had anxiety attacks over the smallest hitches, snapped at everyone I love and my leg is now covered in fresh wounds. I'm bruised all over, I have two black eyes and pain all over my head. These injuries are almost all self inflicted - the others accidental during attempts at restraining me. 

This is the reality of my life. For the most part, I'm happy and live a good life. But bring about change, excess stress or too much sensory input and I'm a flailing, sobbing mess. I never give up trying to better myself and avoid these behaviours, but often it's beyond my control. I'm a 23 year old woman with two children, above average intelligence and some pretty bad ass abilities with puzzles, yet I need a full time carer to stay safe and function on a "normal" level. 

I'd like to note that my children almost never witness my full meltdowns - my partner/mother remove them or myself from the room if I'm showing signs of breaking down, and I either flee to my room or one of my safe spaces. I would never willingly subject my boys to any stress or turmoil; they are quite simply the best things I ever created. Despite the difficulties that come with parenting with autism - particularly dealing with my eldest son, who has his own difficulties and is awaiting his own assessment with CAMHS, I wouldn't change things for anything. The noise level, for one, can be unbearable. But they light up the world around them, their smiles should be prescribed as an antidepressant; no matter what happens, they are the most important beings in my life. 

Not many people know or see the reality of living with autism - high functioning in particular, unless they're living it. We can develop the ability to hide our issues from the outside world - often managing to keep it together out in the real world, then releasing all that pent up energy at home in the form of meltdowns, shutdowns or simply withdrawing from everyone around us, feeling the extreme need to be left alone. 

The following picture was taken a few hours after the above were - I've used basic market make up to cover up the bruising and viola; a "normal" 23 year old woman. You cannot see what hides beneath this mask, nor the one I've created for the rest of my life. 

This mask (both literal and figurative) is one worn by many. With make up, a false smile, and all the restraint in the world, I, and many others like me, can fool most casual observers; even those who are a regular part of our lives can be blind to the issues we face. Until we find a way to explain ourselves, or are examined by those who know what they're looking for, we are expected to just "get on with it". Without acknowledging the often vast differences in emotional and social development, or the issues that can arise because of these delays, we are left with one conclusion; we just can't "people" right. It's us. Of course, this isn't warranted shame - it's a result of being compared to our neurotypical peers for a lifetime. We fit in just enough to take a shot at an independent life, socialising and taking on education or careers - mainly surviving on intellect alone.  We fit in enough that people seem to forget that we're fundamentally different, and hold us up against the average person, find us lacking (or at times, scarily above average) and judge us harshly. We face criticisms and unless we wear a giant badge screaming "I'm Autistic! Please be patient", accommodations are so rarely made. 

I say we, not to speak for every single autistic person, but to speak for those who do feel this way and experience these things. I'm sure there will be many of you reading this thinking "no, actually I can't relate" and that's okay, in fact I'd say that's good :) but for the others who do what I do, who wear the mask and face judgement on a regular basis (often this judgement comes from within, in my case at least; no one disses me as much as I do) I want you to know, you're not alone. I see you, I hear you.

I'm sharing these pictures and this message in the hope they truly bring home the reality of what kind of things we deal with, mostly in private and away from the public's eyes. We don't have it easy, though with support and a positive attitude we can succeed just as much as the next person. Our difficulties make our successes even more amazing, the will power and strength it takes to overcome any challenges that arise and continue to that point just defies belief - I'm proud of every single one of you.