Wednesday, 6 May 2015

I think I'm breaking.

Tonight, I was a shitty parent. I was distracted and snapped at the boys more than once. To be fair, they were being naughty. Not terrible, just generally being little monsters. I was right to tell them off, but my voice just went from normal to extremely angry in seconds, and I caused them to be upset and fearful (although the authenticity of these feelings is unknown - both have a habit of using facial expressions/noises to manipulate situations to suit them, which we're trying to address - and failing it seems).

I believe this was the exact plan they came up with, bar the Americanised "Mom". It's Mum here, people :)

By the time evening rolled around, I was basically a walking ball of stress, waiting to explode. Before bedtime, the Soulful One made one small infraction (left the tap running, again) and sternly told him to go to his room and get into bed, there'd be no reading tonight (meaning no star on his homework diary) as he'd made me feel very angry and upset tonight. 

Within moments, his face crumpled and he ran into his room. As I got the Feral One changed and ready for bed, I heard him sobbing and saying things, but couldn't make them out. Once I'd FO in with his Thomas books and Kittycat, I made my way in to see my other son, who was still crying hysterically in his room. I began to make out what he was saying; "I don't deserve my things, I'm going to leave this family".

When I tried to console him, he told me to take his Lego figures because he doesn't deserve them (his current favourite things). I don't know why, but something inside me just broke, and I picked them up and told him I wouldn't be trying any more unless he started trying too - and if he told me he wanted me to do something despite not really wanting it to happen again, I'd do what he asked regardless. Of course, this made him worse and being a coward, I left. I couldn't watch him cry any more. It makes me sick to listen to it through the wall, to witness it again tonight when I'm in this strange mindset is not a good idea, so I've kept myself out of the situation. My partner's dealing with him, and I'm sat here, feeling like a failure yet again.

I still have those Lego figures on my desk. 

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