"You're Just Dozy"

How many times have my genuine problems been laughed off as "just..." something? Dozy. Daft. Clumsy. Forgetful. Being stupid. Not paying attention. Or worse, when those speaking become irate or frustrated; Attention seeking. Naughty. Horrible. Retard. Don't deserve my children. Psychotic. Liar. Manipulator. Annoying. The list is endless, really. 

These words stay in my head and replay every time self hatred rears it's ugly head, reminds me I'm at fault, if I could just stop being whatever the word of the day is, perhaps I'll stop pissing people off, breaking things, banging into walls and tripping over nothing. No matter how much my rational mind tells me I'm not responsible for these things therefore I'm not to be blamed, my emotional mind is torn apart by these insinuations.

I'm not sure if the person means well - sometimes it seems as though they're trying to make light of my issues so as not to draw attention to the "A" word, sometimes it just seems senseless and cruel.

Over and over, my head berates me in words and phrases slung at me in times passed - "you're being f**king pathetic" "selfish child" "other people have it worse, why can't you just be grateful, why can't you be normal?!"

The last words a certain ex partner said to me after telling me to never contact him again were "if he asks why he doesn't see his Dad, tell him it's because his mother is a psychotic b**ch who can't just be normal!"

Well, I think we all know why I can't "be normal". I can act it for short periods but that leads to such a dip in energy that the repercussions are hardly worth it. I've had years of people taking their frustration (admittedly, caused by my behaviour, silence or inability to communicate at the time) out on me. Do they think because I'm autistic that I don't take those in? Remember every word, I remember every word. In fact, I'd say my memory (long term, not working/short term) is better than average, so I'm MORE likely to remember and ingest those poisonous words.

Even when light hearted, apparently meant to make me feel "better", the words just serve as ammunition in my already overloaded arsenal of self abuse. Please, before you take your frustrations out in verbal form, take a moment to remember my pain and think before you speak. I may look completely unfazed, even blank. Inside I'm breaking and every new word, every "why can't you just..." "stop being..." and "I can't take this, you..." becomes a tool in which to destroy what little self esteem and emotional balance I have left. I know I'm not alone, and I, at least, have a voice to speak out. Other's don't, and are trapped in their own personal hell with no way to stop the verbal onslaught. Even if you don't think they hear or understand you, there's a damn good chance they might - please don't take that risk. It might seem better than taking frustrations out other ways, but can be just as harmful if not more.

Please, if you have any experience with this topic, whether it be on a professional or personal basis, feel free to share your thoughts, stories or links in the comments below. Thanks for reading, Pix and co x

I think I'm breaking.

Tonight, I was a shitty parent. I was distracted and snapped at the boys more than once. To be fair, they were being naughty. Not terrible, just generally being little monsters. I was right to tell them off, but my voice just went from normal to extremely angry in seconds, and I caused them to be upset and fearful (although the authenticity of these feelings is unknown - both have a habit of using facial expressions/noises to manipulate situations to suit them, which we're trying to address - and failing it seems).

I believe this was the exact plan they came up with, bar the Americanised "Mom". It's Mum here, people :)



By the time evening rolled around, I was basically a walking ball of stress, waiting to explode. Before bedtime, the Soulful One made one small infraction (left the tap running, again) and sternly told him to go to his room and get into bed, there'd be no reading tonight (meaning no star on his homework diary) as he'd made me feel very angry and upset tonight. 

Within moments, his face crumpled and he ran into his room. As I got the Feral One changed and ready for bed, I heard him sobbing and saying things, but couldn't make them out. Once I'd FO in with his Thomas books and Kittycat, I made my way in to see my other son, who was still crying hysterically in his room. I began to make out what he was saying; "I don't deserve my things, I'm going to leave this family".

When I tried to console him, he told me to take his Lego figures because he doesn't deserve them (his current favourite things). I don't know why, but something inside me just broke, and I picked them up and told him I wouldn't be trying any more unless he started trying too - and if he told me he wanted me to do something despite not really wanting it to happen again, I'd do what he asked regardless. Of course, this made him worse and being a coward, I left. I couldn't watch him cry any more. It makes me sick to listen to it through the wall, to witness it again tonight when I'm in this strange mindset is not a good idea, so I've kept myself out of the situation. My partner's dealing with him, and I'm sat here, feeling like a failure yet again.

I still have those Lego figures on my desk.