How many times have my genuine problems been laughed off as "just..." something? Dozy. Daft. Clumsy. Forgetful. Being stupid. Not paying attention. Or worse, when those speaking become irate or frustrated; Attention seeking. Naughty. Horrible. Retard. Don't deserve my children. Psychotic. Liar. Manipulator. Annoying. The list is endless, really.
These words stay in my head and replay every time self hatred rears it's ugly head, reminds me I'm at fault, if I could just stop being whatever the word of the day is, perhaps I'll stop pissing people off, breaking things, banging into walls and tripping over nothing. No matter how much my rational mind tells me I'm not responsible for these things therefore I'm not to be blamed, my emotional mind is torn apart by these insinuations.
I'm not sure if the person means well - sometimes it seems as though they're trying to make light of my issues so as not to draw attention to the "A" word, sometimes it just seems senseless and cruel.
Over and over, my head berates me in words and phrases slung at me in times passed - "you're being f**king pathetic" "selfish child" "other people have it worse, why can't you just be grateful, why can't you be normal?!"
The last words a certain ex partner said to me after telling me to never contact him again were "if he asks why he doesn't see his Dad, tell him it's because his mother is a psychotic b**ch who can't just be normal!"
Well, I think we all know why I can't "be normal". I can act it for short periods but that leads to such a dip in energy that the repercussions are hardly worth it. I've had years of people taking their frustration (admittedly, caused by my behaviour, silence or inability to communicate at the time) out on me. Do they think because I'm autistic that I don't take those in? Remember every word, I remember every word. In fact, I'd say my memory (long term, not working/short term) is better than average, so I'm MORE likely to remember and ingest those poisonous words.
Even when light hearted, apparently meant to make me feel "better", the words just serve as ammunition in my already overloaded arsenal of self abuse. Please, before you take your frustrations out in verbal form, take a moment to remember my pain and think before you speak. I may look completely unfazed, even blank. Inside I'm breaking and every new word, every "why can't you just..." "stop being..." and "I can't take this, you..." becomes a tool in which to destroy what little self esteem and emotional balance I have left. I know I'm not alone, and I, at least, have a voice to speak out. Other's don't, and are trapped in their own personal hell with no way to stop the verbal onslaught. Even if you don't think they hear or understand you, there's a damn good chance they might - please don't take that risk. It might seem better than taking frustrations out other ways, but can be just as harmful if not more.
Please, if you have any experience with this topic, whether it be on a professional or personal basis, feel free to share your thoughts, stories or links in the comments below. Thanks for reading, Pix and co x
These words stay in my head and replay every time self hatred rears it's ugly head, reminds me I'm at fault, if I could just stop being whatever the word of the day is, perhaps I'll stop pissing people off, breaking things, banging into walls and tripping over nothing. No matter how much my rational mind tells me I'm not responsible for these things therefore I'm not to be blamed, my emotional mind is torn apart by these insinuations.
I'm not sure if the person means well - sometimes it seems as though they're trying to make light of my issues so as not to draw attention to the "A" word, sometimes it just seems senseless and cruel.
Over and over, my head berates me in words and phrases slung at me in times passed - "you're being f**king pathetic" "selfish child" "other people have it worse, why can't you just be grateful, why can't you be normal?!"
The last words a certain ex partner said to me after telling me to never contact him again were "if he asks why he doesn't see his Dad, tell him it's because his mother is a psychotic b**ch who can't just be normal!"
Well, I think we all know why I can't "be normal". I can act it for short periods but that leads to such a dip in energy that the repercussions are hardly worth it. I've had years of people taking their frustration (admittedly, caused by my behaviour, silence or inability to communicate at the time) out on me. Do they think because I'm autistic that I don't take those in? Remember every word, I remember every word. In fact, I'd say my memory (long term, not working/short term) is better than average, so I'm MORE likely to remember and ingest those poisonous words.
Even when light hearted, apparently meant to make me feel "better", the words just serve as ammunition in my already overloaded arsenal of self abuse. Please, before you take your frustrations out in verbal form, take a moment to remember my pain and think before you speak. I may look completely unfazed, even blank. Inside I'm breaking and every new word, every "why can't you just..." "stop being..." and "I can't take this, you..." becomes a tool in which to destroy what little self esteem and emotional balance I have left. I know I'm not alone, and I, at least, have a voice to speak out. Other's don't, and are trapped in their own personal hell with no way to stop the verbal onslaught. Even if you don't think they hear or understand you, there's a damn good chance they might - please don't take that risk. It might seem better than taking frustrations out other ways, but can be just as harmful if not more.
Please, if you have any experience with this topic, whether it be on a professional or personal basis, feel free to share your thoughts, stories or links in the comments below. Thanks for reading, Pix and co x
Thank you, I have a son of 13 who is diagnosed with ASD. I know how his autism affects me but as he finds it very difficult to express his feelings I struggle to know how it affects him. It helps me greatly when people like you speak out about your experiences and thoughts. It means I am better prepared to help my son in the best way I possibly can. So thank you once again and I look forward to your next blog.
ReplyDeleteHi Dawn, thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. The fact you search out information to help you better understand your son is so wonderful - if more autistic people, actually, if more people in general had parents like yourself the world would be a much better place to live. Hope you enjoy the new post - it's taken me such a long time to get back to writing but I'm hopeful it's the first of many :) best wishes to you and your son, Pix and co x
DeleteI'm so glad I've found you.
ReplyDeleteI love that you just spoke about this;
"I can act it for short periods but that leads to such a dip in energy that the repercussions are hardly worth it."
I've never heard it told from the other side, but we experience this every day when I collect my 7yo from school.
Off I go to read the rest of yr blog xxx
Equally glad to have you here as a reader, strawberry meets world! Bless your little one, it's such a shame he's having to deal with such stress at such a young age! I think the answer lies in those around us - if there were less emphasis and focus put on wanting "us" fit in with whatever's deemed socially "normal" there'd be less pressure to have to "act" a certain way. Not by yourself of course but the general public.
DeleteIt's wonderful your boy is willing to try so hard regardless of the reasons he's doing so - such determination is definitely something to be proud of :) wishing you both the best, Pix and co x